What's in a name?

Years ago, when I started this blog as a teenager, I wanted to be cool.

Not many (maybe none) of my friends had a blog, and I wanted to 'show off' the only thing I didn't suck at. I just wanted to be accepted by the 'cool' guys.

But having a blog wasn't enough; I had to make it sound cool.

One fine day, I came across this word - Ataraxia. It's a medical condition where the person is unable to feel any stress. Opposite of anorexia.

That's how the name came. Don't judge me, it was either that or 'The Nihilist'.

High sounding words without much stuff in them. Maybe I wanted to be devoid of worries, and stay calm, you know? I certainly projected that, but it was a minefield inside my head. I thought if I pretended that it didn't exist, I don't have to worry much.

And it worked. not because of ignoring them, but because they were trivial matters and were bound to go away. But now, I tend to behave the same way even when i am neck deep in shit.

And people around me think that I don't care enough.

Maybe I should embrace the approach; maybe I should let my true feelings out. Or I should alternate, based on the situations.

I thought of changing the blog's name tonight; but having something to remind you of your juvenile delinquencies helps put things in perspective.

After all these years, on this very moment, I feel I haven't grown up one bit. I have made some difficult decisions, yes, but I haven't taken one step my teenage self would have jumped at.

I still yearn for acceptance. I go against my grain to make things easy for others. I still get yelled at, and do things I don't want to.

Where's did wisdom I was 'supposed to have gathered' go? Where is my common sense?

Trying to please others is never a good thing. You lose a small part of yourself, and after a while - you won't recognize the person in the mirror anymore.

I am done with being sorry about myself, and my actions. I need to start heading my way. The bus has already left - I have a lot of catching up to do.

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