Dealing with it

Another bout of jam-packed days at work, and I was put off from everything I wanted to do.

Honestly, at the end of the day, I was a brain-dead man.

The amount of work made me think if I did the right thing by getting into advertising. I felt I wouldn't be able to write another word, and still - I kept on writing.

Then came the endless cycle of revisions which rendered my idea into something incomprehensible. Again. made me doubt if I am capable of writing or not.

This writing thing is a funny business. It is a job which looks and feels the least like a job; everyone who knows the alphabet thinks he can do better.

And the amount of self doubt I have doesn't help matters either. The first criticism I hear-I feel like a crook who gets caught red handed. Mostly it is dumb clients who think they know the grammar better, but still I rush to demean my efforts.

Every time I pick up a pen, I feel I am going to fail - and yet, I don't have a choice. I have to write, and I have to accommodate the idiosyncrasies of others to get the work done.

But nothing can beat the feeling I get when I pen my thoughts down on paper for the first time . I move from 'I'm going to fail this time for sure' to 'I am actually doing it', and once I get in the flow - I concentrate on doing the best I can. It all feels like a waste once I see the finished product, but during  that tiny duration where everything is in my head and is about to come out on paper, I feel I am in the right place.

Yes, I could've done a low-intensity job and have written what I wanted to in my free time, but I'd have been a little know-it all in that case, I suppose. This - the constant fear of rejection - keeps me grounded.

I wish a lot of things could've been different. But when I think about it in leisure, I realize that those 'different' things made me what I am today, for better or worse. And if I get a chance to do things differently, I wouldn't change anything.

Especially the bad parts.

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